Tag Archives: pain

Random Musings: A Moment of Transparency…

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paradox

Moment of Transparency: There is truly only 1 man I have ever been in Love with. I have liked fondly, cared for, craved, and had love for others but only one has crawled into the deep recesses of my heart, soul, & mind and stayed there.

I still love him to this day and if I am honest am still “in-love” with him too. I will always love him, at his best and at his worst. I think it’s because I see him clearly for who and what he is….not just an ideal or a representation of what I wish him to be. He is amazing and awful at the same damn time…lol.

He has made me smile, laugh, & blush and he has also made me cry. He has made me feel beautiful and like I don’t matter. He is all that I wish a man to be and many of the things I can’t stand. He is free like the wind and often an island unto himself. He is giving and selfish, kind and cruel, open and secretive, honest and a liar.

He is a paradox but if I am honest I wouldn’t want him to be any other way.

It’s easy to believe that if only “they” would be just what you want them to be that life would be perfect and so simple but the truth is that loving him just the way he is has forced me to explore and understand Me. Pushed me outside of my comfort zone and made me accept that at the end of the day I, and I alone, hold the key to my happiness. (not another being, not a relationship status, & not who loves me in return.)

He is my Soulmate and I love him with all that is in me but he is not my man. I do not belong to him and he does not belong to me. Our connection is not always rainbows and butterflies but it is honest and it is real…and it is Beautiful ~ Twin Spirit

Random Musings: The Walls We Build….

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cycle of hurt

“It’s oftentimes not that we think you are him (or any other that has hurt us previously). It is the pain or disappointment you are delivering currently that causes us to pull away and begin construction on our walls. We are often saving ourselves from You not hiding from him.

Inconsistency, dishonesty (to yourself & us), lack of follow through, infidelity, unreliability, selfishness, being emotionally cold or unavailable, lack of care and appreciation, no communication, being irresponsible, shutting us down and out often, always placing us last on your list of priorities, refusal to spend time or invest in the relationship, mind games, constant insecurity & jealously, low or no ambition, lack of affection, sexual unfulfillment, disrespect, unkindness… these types of things presented to us over and over again during the course of our interaction with you, show us that we should not & cannot depend on you or trust you with our hearts.

Some women are wounded and won’t let you in or punish you because of mistakes of lovers past, but many more of us, even after being hurt badly before still decide to trust & open our hearts to love again…

You must understand the powerful importance of a woman truly letting you in. Her opening the door to the most vulnerable parts of herself emotionally, mentally, physically & spiritually. It is an act of trust, a surrendering. It is a gift and one you should not awaken, accept, or receive if you cannot, do not, or have not the desire or capacity to protect her heart, nurture her spirit, appreciate her essence , or reciprocate the love. It is selfish and abusive to do otherwise.” ~ shared from my heart with loving intentions, Twin Spirit 💕

365 Days of Allowing – My Journey: Day 202 ~ My Breakdown

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(My Breakdown: I Breathe ~ Written By: TwinSpirit ♥ )

“Breathing in and out. Taking each breath in slowly and deliberately. Exhaling with intent. Right now I feel like I can’t breathe. Like if I don’t focus on each breath my soul may slip away from my body and the version of me that I am right now will cease existing. Each moment I struggle to focus on the now…to not allow myself to drift away into the pains and hurts of yesterday or to melt into the fears and worries of tomorrow.

I just sit here and I breathe…inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale…I breathe. As the hot tears stream down my face..I breathe. As the tightness wells in my throat..I breathe. As feelings of sadness, loss, & regret wash over me in hot waves…I breathe. As my heart pounds damn near out of my chest…I breathe. I breathe. I breathe.

I realize that I am still here…so I breathe. I acknowledge that although I am feeling pain that at least I can still feel which means I am still connected to the heart of me..so I breathe. I hear my heart beating in my ears like the boom of my ancestors drum as if to signal & celebrate that I am still alive and have so much more living to do…so I breathe. I feel a warmness move across my face & skin it embraces me and soothes me in its gentle caress…so I breathe.

I feel a gentle stirring and rumble from the center of me that grows in intensity like thunder as a storm begins to roll in…so I breathe. I hear a whisper from deep within it says to me over and over You are Loved because You are Love. You are Loved because You are Love, You are Loved because You are Love..Over and over the whisper sounds…So I breathe. I breathe. I breathe. I breathe”

( I Breathe ~ Written By: TwinSpirit ♥ )

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