Tag Archives: open relating

Random Musings: I Don’t Believe in Loving Small!

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A MOMENT OF TRANSPARENCY: “I simply do not believe in Loving small. I have no idea how to do that. I do not know how to shrink the way that I feel or pretend that I care less than I do, honestly I see no benefit in withholding care or emotion. I see no use in starving those you care for of your presence and adoration or holding back affection.

I see no strength gained, safety secured, or virtue claimed in silencing I Love You’s, I Miss You’s, I Believe in You’s, & I Care’s. Why stingily dole out deep long hugs and passionate kisses. Or save for a later day our tender touches or passionate caresses.

Why are we so generous with complaints, criticisms, cold shoulders, attitudes, & anger but flinch at the mere thought of those we care deeply for knowing that we actually give a damn and care?

I refuse to participate in the lunacy of it all.

If I care about you then I am going to say it and show it in all the things that I do. I am going to be honest in my interactions with you and share openly how I think and feel. I am going to be as transparent as I can. If you move me, you’ll know it. If I crave your energy I will not hold back my desire to bask in it often. If you inspire me, I’ll tell you. If I am disappointed, I will share that too. If you stir my passions then so be it.

Genuine Care to me = openness, honesty, compassion, support, communication, time, laughter, fun, depth, freedom, trust, listening, respect, acceptance, & creative energy flow.

This Life is but a mere blink of an eye…I plan on living mine fully and loving with all that I have in me until I am no more. I am not afraid to LOVE & Be Loved. No regrets.” ~ always Twin Spirit

www.iAmTwinSpirit.com  | www.ArtHouzeAlive.com 

Random Musings: I think I want a husband & a wife…

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Honestly I think I would enjoy having a boyfriend & girlfriend or a husband and a wife if things escalated. Don’t laugh or gasp…lol…I’ve given it some serious thought. I can see both the beauty & challenges that might be involved but believe it could be an amazing and worthwhile experience. Hey fellas be honest, having a wonderful girlfriend or wife in your life is a beautiful thing. Heck woman are master nurturers, we give and love in a way that is magical. I give of myself fully and truly would enjoy experiencing being on the receiving end of that type of love too.

I know it sounds strange to many, but I truly have no desire for my lover to be fully dependent on me for all of their needs. I am okay with another fulfilling them in areas that I am not good at, unavailable for, don’t want to do, or have no interest in. I have felt this way for a long time. I’m not jealous of my love connecting & sharing their life with others. I want the people I love (platonically or romantically) to be happy & fulfilled even if the source of said joy doesn’t come from me.

Plus how awesome would it be to share all of the domestic responsibilities amongst more than 2 individuals. From financial to parenting. It decreases the burden and allows space for everyone to explore many other aspects of who they are without worrying about the ball being dropped with more hands and hearts to catch it.

To me love is also about Freedom & Growth. I want my partner to spread their wings and fly.

For those of you who instantly envisioned the sexual aspect of this dynamic I believe that too could be a wonderfully fulfilling experience as well in whatever way it chose to unfold.

Honestly I think fear and jealousy keep many of us from allowing life to introduce us to some deeply enlightening experiences.

Yes, this may not be the path for everyone but I think it could be pretty transformative, nurturing, healing, rewarding, & fun done from a place of genuine love, care, friendship, & respect.

Just my honest thoughts

~TwinSpirit

Random Musings: LOVE-A New Paradigm

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“I am not afraid of relationships or commitment. Far from it. I am made for partnership and shine within a healthy loving connection. I honestly desire and prefer deep, intimate, long-term connections over short lived surface-level encounters. I simply choose not to have to exchange ownership of my heart, mind, body, freedom, dreams, & soul for outdated concepts of relating or what a relationship should look like.

We are still burdened with antiquated ideas about what men and women are supposed to look for and expect in a partner/spouse or relationship. These traditional and deeply embedded ideas are on a collision course with the facts on the ground and many of them are diminishing to our spirit. It’s time to open up and explore new relationship paradigms.

The new paradigm relationship is heart to heart and even higher level connections. The joy of this type of relating must be experienced to be fully understood.

In the new paradigm of YOU being, the ONE rather than some being outside of yourself, the power and truth of who you are is activated and a new understanding of your own freedom and power is now alive in every cell of your body to the core matrix of your soul – to be who you are. You no longer project the responsibility for your happiness, well-being, and expectation out onto your partner for you know that all of these states are an inside job.

This frees up the nature of relationships to expand and transform…to become more of a place that inspires and encourages our growth, movement, a place where all things are possible, a place where we support one another in becoming the “BEST VERISONS” of ourselves (whatever that might look like) rather than a prison of fear, where we cling to old beliefs of ownership, jealousy, co-dependency, punishment, emotional manipulation, & control and where we hold one another back out of fear that we might lose what we have. Where we see our partners as beings we own and who owe us total subjugation to prove they love us. Where we make someone else the sole source of our happiness and contentment. A realm filled with limiting experiences rather than being a place that gives those we love wings and our love encourages them to Soar & Fly and Be all that they dream and desire to BE!!

Call me a naive dreamer or an obstinate nonconformist if you like but my spirit knows that the idea we have of LOVE expands much deeper than we can even imagine and I choose to allow myself the opportunity to experience ALL that Life, Love, Connection, & the Human Experience has to offer…and I am not willing to sacrifice that potential by Living Small, Dimming my Light, Not using my Divine Gifts, Not Pursuing My Dreams, Not Speaking My Truth, Hiding my Desires, & Being Afraid to GO FOR IT when Connection Presents Itself, Pretending my needs don’t matter, or settling for a mediocre Relationship with someone who is afraid to FLY simply to maintain the status Quo.

Call me Selfish, call me Crazy, Call me anything you like but this is “My Life” and I choose to Live it Deeply, Fully, Creatively, Expansively, & Beautifully. I will not settle for relationships that do not move me, grow me, and stir my soul. Loving You should NEVER require sacrificing the Heart &Soul of ME. It should be a mutually value adding experience to every Spirit involved.

Yes…I Love you enough to Set you Free to Find the Love That Your Spirit Needs and I Love Myself enough to know that it’s okay if I simply decide to just Choose Me ~ Written & Shared From a place of Transparency, Honesty, & LOVE” ~ Twin Spirit

Random Musings: Hostage of Love

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Perfection is not a requirement in love, but honesty should be. Many of us lie to ourselves and others, believing that in doing so, we make our world simpler, more comfortable, or that it is in fact kind or providing protection to the ones we care for or love. We fear the truth for the perceived weaknesses it may expose in us or the changes it might create to our current situation. We learn to cover challenging, difficult to express, or unpleasant realities with illusions of who or what we are.

Being fully & honestly Ourselves in a world where everyone seems to want to control us, remake us, judge us, or punish us is indeed a challenge, for the disapproval of others is a powerful deterrent. But Is it or should it be a strong enough reason to be less than who we truly are are want to be?

REMEMBER: Any action that inhibits our truth is not Love. Love is only Love when it liberates. LOVE should liberate and release us to live fully, express openly, & communicate honestly without fear of retaliation, punishing silences, emotional manipulations, or threats to our being and without the constant need to conform to the designs, expectations, boxes, insecurities, or installed programming of another to prove our love is real.

Denying parts of who you really are or things your heart and soul truly need in exchange for acceptance slowly deteriorates the foundation on which you stand. Now please understand I am not advocating “Selfishness” as I realize that we must consider those we love and care for in the choices we make but if that consideration inspires or dictates that we live Small, Hide our truth, or be dishonest about our needs we must ask ourselves is the trade-off worth it and is the connection based in love or is it attachment.

Self examination can be a scary thing but it is a necessary process when seeking truth…It truly can help us grow ~ Shared with love from the heart of TwinSpirit

Random Musings: What Do I Want?

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I was asked a very pointed question and decided I would share my answer publicly. The Question: What Do I Want From a Man? I did have to clarify this question with the asker as I wasn’t clear if they wanted to know what I want from all men I encounter in general or if they were inquiring about what I desire from a man I am dating or interested in romantically. (These are in fact 2 very different questions – Always be sure you are asking the correct question, this helps ensure you get the appropriate answer you are seeking #BetterCommunication101 ).

My Answer: From a man that I am interested in romantically, more than anything I simply want him to be himself and I want him to be comfortable with who he has chosen to be. Not who or what he thinks will be more appealing to me but completely himself. I say this because anything that grows and develops I wish to blossom from a base of honest appreciation and natural attraction & escalation. If we become great friends, or lovers, or should things grow deeper and we even decide that we wish to merge and share our lives together all stems from how we blend, meld, connect, communicate, & interact naturally. There truly are some things that have to just happen organically. I also desire him to be honest, open, & a good verbal communicator (now if these things are not naturally who he is then that’s okay too it just may mean that we may not resonate and things will likely not escalate and that’s part of the natural mating dance.)

There used to be a time when I was in a hurry, and wanted things to happen “NOW”. A time when I would attempt to morph myself into the shape of the woman I thought the object of my affection would like for me to be in order to decide to make me his one and only. As I have grown and experienced life I have learned that first love is plentiful and grows in abundance, there is no shortage and thus no need to hurry.

Secondly, ALL things grow and develop in their own way and in their own time. I have also learned that there is no such thing as “The One”. Just as there are many many people on this planet there are many many opportunities to love. Each one bringing a different experience to expand and grow. There is no shortage of “Good Men” or “Good Women”. Only limiting perspectives, self-imposed boundaries, and fear based thinking that often keeps us from opening up and truly experiencing all that love and life has to offer us.

Lastly, I discovered my natural love style is more polyamorous in nature..meaning I am capable of loving deeply and intimately more than one person at a time. This last discovery opened me up to a whole new world of Freedom in that it allowed me to see that no “ONE” person can or should be wholly responsible for my every need, want, & desire being fulfilled. It’s freed me and has freed my potential loves from the spirit of ownership & control that most relationships inspire. It has allowed me to be open to seeing so many different relationship structure possibilities beyond the traditional “monogamy dynamic”. It has tasked me with being responsible for my own happiness and self care and most importantly it has forced me to be completely open and honest about who I am and what I desire as you cannot not get your needs met if you do not know what they are or share what they are.

So the short answer: I want a man who is just totally and completely himself and who is trusting enough to allow things to manifest organically into whatever they naturally become.   Shared openly and honestly from the heart of Twin Spirit

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Random Musings: Partnership vs Ownership

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REPOST:

My previous position on how to be happy in a relationship can be summed up as “Don’t expect anything of anyone.”

Now I think my advice is, “Don’t expect everything of anyone.”

I believe the divorce rate, and even higher rates of dissatisfaction and sexual dysfunction in marriage, result directly from unreasonable expectations of marriage.

My ex-husband was absolutely my best friend. He was an excellent best friend too. Best friendship was absolutely not enough to keep me married to him.

I now know that I left him for two main reasons. At the time, I thought I was leaving him because he wouldn’t get a full-time job or help out around the house as much as I did. After four years of him working part-time and leaving the majority of domestic work to me, I became convinced of two things. He would never work as hard as I did, and I would never be okay with that.

I remember screaming at my husband about paid work and housework and him crying in response. I’ve never felt like more of a piece of shit than reducing a grown man I’m supposed to build up to tears by telling him all the ways in which he wasn’t good enough.

When I left him, the only thing that made breaking my best friend’s heart was the absolute certainty that being alone would be better for him than being with someone who constantly demanded more from him than he was willing to give. I knew that if I couldn’t love him as he was I had to let him go.

I’ve spent the past five years asking myself whether I could have made our marriage work. Of course I can never know. But there is one thing I’ve learned that will make my next marriage, should anyone else be foolish enough to marry me, completely different from my first.

I now think of a marriage as a business partnership.

I’m not saying that’s how everyone thinks about it or should think about it. Marriage is a complicated word with myriad meanings and connotations. It’s a legal contract, a religious rite, and a set of social expectations. Just the legal definition alone is complicated, as the fight over gay marriage revealed. Marriage impacts literally thousands of laws and taxes, not to mention private privileges like health insurance, adoption, and hospital visitation.

But let’s simplify for the sake of argument. I want to discuss marriage the legal contract.

The main purpose of a legal contract binding two people together “for life” is to facilitate their sharing ownership of assets and children. Erecting a barrier to exit in the form of divorce then makes it easier for the state to divide assets and access to and responsibility for children equitably.

If I get married again, it will be because I want to share assets (and maybe children) and I want to erect a barrier to exit.

I realize this sounds unromantic. Because it fucking is.

It sounds unromantic because we’re taught to expect our spouse to provide everything to us.

Of course they’re supposed to share assets and maybe children with us. But they’re also supposed to be our best friend for life, which entails its own set of crazy-high expectations. Besides your spouse, how many best friends have you had in your life?

Probably more than one, maybe even concurrently! That’s because people grow and change and grow together and drift apart and meet different needs at different times. Somehow saying “I do” doesn’t change a damn thing about that reality, but we expect it to.

But that’s not all! While concurrently equally running the business that is a household and being our best friend for life our spouse is also supposed to be our one-stop-shop for sexual excitement and intimate fulfillment. And if you can’t get it up for the person you just argued with about how much to put toward your 401k and watched get the stomach flu then you’re a failure of a human being!

“I believe we’ve been acculturated to expect some types of commitment to each other’s needs in a ‘primary’ relationship.” Not just some types of commitment but total commitment, and to all of each other’s needs. Marriage, to most people, means you expect one other person to meet all your practical, emotional, and sexual needs, both now and forever.

I may be unromantic, but you all are fucking insane.

The height of your expectations is directly proportional to how disappointed you’re going to feel.

So to save marriage, we have to come into it with reasonable expectations.

You absolutely must lean on your friends for emotional intimacy. The way the culture devalues friendships and puts sexual relationships on a pedestal is wrecking our marriages. Your spouse cannot and should not be your everything. You must have a best friend or three that you’re not married to. I wish I’d known how lonely I was in my marriage. I had a best friend, and I thought that was all I needed.

You absolutely must rely on outside sources for sexual excitement. I’m not even pushing poly here, because it’s a hell of a time suck. I mean read erotica, try new toys, role play, and watch porn.

At the end of the day, there’s only one part of marriage that is fundamental. Which doesn’t mean it can’t be outsourced, but it does mean that if you’re going to outsource it you really might as well divorce. And that’s the business partner part. The person who owns the assets with you really should be the one who helps you manage them.

You don’t own your partner’s heart. You don’t own your partner’s genitals. Sure, they let you use them sometimes. But never, ever, mistake your partner for anything other than a full and complete person who owns themselves and their parts. What you do own jointly is your assets. And so for that reason you two need to work together on how to manage them.

The reason I think divorce was inevitable for me is that we weren’t good business partners.

He and I could not come to an agreement on where, financially and geographically, we were headed in life. Nevermind how to get there. I wanted to move out of Birmingham, Alabama and live in a nice condo in a walkable part of a southern city. This required that both of us work full-time. He wanted to live in a less desirable location and work less.

Being friends and lovers with your spouse is, of course, a good thing if you can manage it. And a good business partnership requires a certain level of honesty, closeness, and positive regard.

But what you need to get go of is the expectation that your spouse will always and forever be your closest friend and your only source of sexual excitement.

When you stop expecting your partner to be anything other than a good business partner, you free both of you from fear. They no longer do things for you like be a good friend or lover because they’re afraid of disappointing you. There’s nothing less motivating than an expectation. People are the best at being friends and lovers when they feel appreciated. They are worst when they feel like no matter how hard they try they’ll only meet expectations.

Letting go of those expectations means other friends, and even other lovers, won’t change the bedrock of your family. It means a new friend or crush no longer sends fear signals to your brain. Instead, you can enjoy their enjoyment of other people knowing that your role as business partner is secure.

It means they can have other favorites and you’re still going to be co-founders because your relationship isn’t built on feelings and lies about what love means. Viewing your spouse as a co-founder means your relationship is built on hard work toward a mutual goal.

Sometimes people divorce when they realize their spouse isn’t a good business partner. Maybe positive regard declines or a difference in vision becomes apparent.

But too often, people divorce because:

1. They can’t meet all their spouse’s expectations

2. They’re not getting their own expectations met

3. They don’t realize it’s not the person, it’s the expectations themselves that are the problem

 

People know they’re not getting all their needs met and they don’t know which ones are reasonable and which aren’t.

What I want if I get married again is a shared set of reasonable expectations. I want a partner who shares with me a vision for where our little company is going and how to get there. I want someone who is strong enough to look around and feel confident that they can get everything else they need elsewhere, should they need to. I want someone who takes responsibility for their own needs instead of expecting me to be everything to them. In other words, I want a good co-founder.

This view of marriage is both narrow and expansive. It’s narrow in that while there are many, many people I might want to have sex and be friends with, there are very few people who share my goals and vision for achieving them closely enough that I should go into business with them. But it’s expansive in that when you realize what marriage is for, anyone is up for it demographically. That means gay, straight, intergenerational, and plural marriages are all perfectly acceptable ways to divide and conquer.

As for me, I’m in a weird place. While my ideas about marriage may not be romantic, I still like marriage. I love efficiency, and marriage offers plenty, in the forms of division of labor, specialization, and economies of scale. But my goals are ever-changing. And not one of them requires a life partner to achieve.

As to whether I’d be a good wife this time around, I’ll tell you this. I’m not going to take responsibility for your emotional needs. I’m not going to promise to provide you endless sexual excitement. I refuse to be held responsible for what happens in your head. But to someone whose goals and vision aligned with mine, who expects me to work hard, be ethical, be transparent, and maintain positive regard if you do the same, I’d make a hell of a wife.

By: Cathy Reisenwitz

Original Article Link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cathy-reisenwitz/make-your-spouse-your-co-founder-not-your-best-friend_b_9060360.html

Random Musings: Black & Poly

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“To be wrapped in the warm secure cocoon of your never letting go. Knowing that no matter where I may roam your heart keeps me tethered to the place called home. Giving the soul enough space to blossom, manifest, & unfold. This is the power our trust truly holds.

You understand my need to simply be free, not insecure or frightened by me just being me….Your ability to love me just as I AM is the strong foundation on which our love stands.

Forsaking all others you never require of me as our love is built on radical honesty. We understand that love is infinite possibility…we allow it to bloom where ever our hearts plant a seed, be it as a unit or individually.

Freedom…that’s the magic you see. Allowing one another to fully BE. There is only 1 you & only 1 me and we get to design what works for “We”. Sharing our lives is a choice that we make and I choose you again & again everyday.

To see your heart open and a beautiful smile on your face means such a great deal to me. It matters not if the source of that joy is your love for “Us” or your love for “She”. If she matters to you then she matters to me. I suppose in a world that requires a label that makes our style of Amore…Poly.

The beautiful thing at the end of the day is there is nothing else I’d rather it BE.” ~ Love Free by Twin Spirit #FindYourPath #LoveFree #ManyWaysToLove #Polyamory #Open #Honest #Free

www.iAmTwinSpirit.com  | www.MyBeautifulUglyWorld.wordpress.com