A MOMENT OF TRANSPARENCY: I fully admit that I have very different ideals when it comes to partnerships and relationships. Not “better or even worse” just vastly different.
I believe in family, I just also believe the family structure and dynamic can look many different ways. That all of them are okay and that they can all be successful as long as the parties involved are on the same page, maintain open honest communication, do things from a place of love , and share a common goal. The truth is there is no “One Size Fits All” when it comes to family, relationship, or love and trying to fit into a box that doesn’t fit ultimately causes unnecessary pain for the people involved.
There are many issues that pop up in long term relationships and many of them stem from the belief that our partners belong to us (love/commitment equals ownership), if someone loves us then they alone are solely & fully responsible for all of our happiness, wants, and needs, and if our partner loves us they will always know what we need and do what we want (and if they do not then they must not really care).
I am polyamorous , no this has nothing to do with my sexual orientation (for some reason people think this means you want to have sex with any and everybody…NOPE! FALSE! NEGATIVE). While I do enjoy sexual expression as much as, well maybe even more than the next person, the way I am wired, sexual desire is inspired by the emotional, intellectual, & spiritual connection I have with an individual. You can be physically alluring but if the other boxes are not ticked then more than likely I will pass on the pudding. I honestly prefer & desire deep connections built on friendship that can be explored fully and grown long term.
What it does mean is that I acknowledge my ability to care for, love, & maintain deep intimate relationships with more than one person at a time. Those connections may all look very different but each is beautifully fulfilling in it’s own way.
This also means that it is not in my nature to think that simply because I love someone and they love me that it means they will never ever care for or feel deeply for anyone else. Also it means that I know that any attraction or interest my love may have or find in another human being doesn’t negate what we have, what we are building, or what they feel for me. There is no sense of competition, because I am who I am and they are who they are. No one brings exactly what I bring to the table. It’s natural to enjoy, be inspired by, and attracted to new things. It’s called being Alive 🙂
The world is full of variety and diverse experiences. I would never attempt to control the opportunities for growth, expansion, friendship, expression, & love that another human being may get to experience on this life journey (this includes my family, children, friends, & lovers). Especially under the guise of Insecurity & Fear artfully disguised as Love.
Many people believe “well if they love me then I would be enough for them. They would have no desire to explore new things or meet new people. They would do as I say. They would feel as I feel”. That is limiting, destructive, & foolish thinking in my opinion.
It is only in “LOVE” that we attempt to imprison one anothers being. We cling tightly and attempt to hold on for dear life. We feel that someone may attempt to take this thing we hold so dear. It is our “Precious”. So we try to lock it away, hide it away, control it, manipulate it, we be damned if someone else is going to have the opportunity to enjoy this thing.
Trust me…I truly do understand where this intense obsession comes from & why…Simply put “Love” makes us feel good, connected, a part of something bigger, full, whole, complete, and we will do anything in our power to maintain and keep a hold of the thing that we feel is the reason for our intensely good feelings. That however is where the illusion begins…
Our partners, lovers, friends, family, etc. are not the source of the feelings they are merely reflections of the LOVE that resides inside of us. Yes, they add joy to our lives, keep us company on this journey, give us warm hugs and stir our emotions (both positive & negative). They help us learn more about who we are, what we want, & what we need….BUT they are NOT the fountain from which the love flows…WE ARE….They are merely a conduit to reflect the essence of the love we exude & give, back at us.
The truth is…(I know this will be hard to accept or believe)…we often don’t love the objects of our affection we simply love how they make “US” feel. This is why we loose it when we think something else might gain their attention and become their point of focus. This could be a new job, a new person, a new exercise regimen, going back to school, starting a new business, pursuing their dreams…The list is endless. We get so afraid when we think we might lose the source of our Good Feelings. When the reality is the Source of our Good Feelings can never be taken away because it lives inside of each and every one of us.
Call it what you like…the semantics matter not to me. Call it God, Love Energy, The Source, Magick, Your Essence…. this is the true place that fullness, connection, and completion resides. Not in the beings we choose to share the life journey with. Yes they add to it but they are not it. This is why I have no issue with those I love living their best life, yes even if that includes connecting deeply with other people . I support it and encourage it. The truth is when I love you I wish the best for you and realize that “the best” in any given moment may come from a source outside of me.
For me Love equals Trust & Freedom. I trust those I love to know what is best for their hearts and souls (even if it’s not something I understand ). I trust that our connection is solid enough for them to always be open and honest with me about what they feel, need, & desire. From that place of trust I grant them Freedom to live, love, do, & be themselves in every aspect (not just when it’s in line with my way of thinking, convenient for or beneficial for me). I have no desire to limit their experiences or lock them down. I will always be honest about how I feel but will also try my best to honor the place from which they are coming as well.
Now understand this does not mean that I never feel insecure or unsure, or that I don’t get angry or irritated. Believe me I do. But when those feelings arise I know that it has more to do with me than someone else. It means that there are issues surfacing that I need to address and attend to. So I sit with the feeling and explore them to understand where they come from and why. I know it is ultimately “MY” responsibility to slay my own dragons.
You may ask, “Well how in the hell can one build a family or grow a commitment with all of this Freedom going on?”….lol. The truth is with open honest communication and a shared end goal this is very possible. See long term commitments such as marriage are simply a combination or mixture of two or more elements. A union, alliance, fusion, blend, amalgamation, combination, merger…You get the Idea…LOL. It is a United Front: A Team that is working together towards a common end goal…Be it Raising Children, Strengthening Familial Bonds, Spiritual Growth, Building Community, Building Wealth, Personal Development, etc. The possible shared goals are numerous but the point is there is an agreement in place within the union and a sense of mutual obligation and commitment to whatever the team has deemed the End Goal to be. This agreement will look different for everyone’s relationships. If everyone involved is fully committed to the same end goal then allowing freedom to your lover will not hurt you or your relationship as their choices will always take into consideration the impact on the end goal of the union. Now if everyone is not then that is a whole different issue that needs to be addressed.
The most beautiful part is that there are many different types of relationship paradigms (structures). It is vitally important that we take some time to figure out what type looks, works, and feels best for us and that we are honest about this with those who we decide to connect & share our lives with. The truth is this also takes time and maybe even some trial and error until we discover the right fit. It is very important that as you make new discoveries that you share them especially if you happen to make these discoveries while already in a committed relationship and this will require possible shifts and adjustments to your standing agreements or the relationship itself. (Yea I know that sounds scary and Change scares us because we do not know what it might bring).
The reality is that we are all in “Multiple Relationships” already. We call them different things and the level and depth of each one varies but they are all important to us for their own unique reasons and we would totally resent anyone walking into our lives and telling us that we must terminate all of these connections and agree to never build any new ones if we are going to love them & have them in our life. So why do we do this on a daily basis to the people we say that we genuinely love and care for?
Understand I am not here to convince anyone of anything or change your minds. But I am here to ask the pointed questions and who knows maybe it will open up some much needed dialog on the subject of relating and relationships.
Shared from a space and place of love ~ Twin Spirit ❤