Tag Archives: friendship

Random Musings: A Moment of Transparency…

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Moment of Transparency: There is truly only 1 man I have ever been in Love with. I have liked fondly, cared for, craved, and had love for others but only one has crawled into the deep recesses of my heart, soul, & mind and stayed there.

I still love him to this day and if I am honest am still “in-love” with him too. I will always love him, at his best and at his worst. I think it’s because I see him clearly for who and what he is….not just an ideal or a representation of what I wish him to be. He is amazing and awful at the same damn time…lol.

He has made me smile, laugh, & blush and he has also made me cry. He has made me feel beautiful and like I don’t matter. He is all that I wish a man to be and many of the things I can’t stand. He is free like the wind and often an island unto himself. He is giving and selfish, kind and cruel, open and secretive, honest and a liar.

He is a paradox but if I am honest I wouldn’t want him to be any other way.

It’s easy to believe that if only “they” would be just what you want them to be that life would be perfect and so simple but the truth is that loving him just the way he is has forced me to explore and understand Me. Pushed me outside of my comfort zone and made me accept that at the end of the day I, and I alone, hold the key to my happiness. (not another being, not a relationship status, & not who loves me in return.)

He is my Soulmate and I love him with all that is in me but he is not my man. I do not belong to him and he does not belong to me. Our connection is not always rainbows and butterflies but it is honest and it is real…and it is Beautiful ~ Twin Spirit

Random Musings: Access Granted

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“When I open the door to the heart and soul of me and let you inside, I can only hope that you will understand the significance of the access given. The trust required and courage it takes. I can only hope that with my valuables you will take care. This I cannot demand but I can require for continued access to be granted.I am not responsible for, nor can I control, the actions of others but I am responsible for the reactions of Me.” ~ Twin Spirit

www.MyBeautifulUglyWorld.wordpress.com

Random Musings: (i Believe in You)

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“If you see it, touch it. If you touch it, feel it. If you feel it, appreciate it. And that you appreciate…..love it, give of yourself to it , and more will be added unto you. A life is not measured by the games that are won or the battles fought, it is simply measured by the moments lived fully, hearts touched deeply, and lives impacted by the presence of the essence of you. None of us know all of the answers to the pressing questions asked and all of us are moving towards different goals and experiences. All we can do is our best.

If I am able to leave only 1 impression with my existence on this earth I hope that I Inspire YOU to LIVE FULLY & LOVE WITH ABANDON….Do Not Live Your Life on MUTE!! Do not limit your possibilities! Do not be stifled by your or others Fears and Worries! Blast Your LIGHT For All the world to see. Bask in the Amazing Awesomeness of the Divine Essence that is YOU! We have enough naysayers and people to tell us why we can’t Do or Be! I am neither…my soul came here to Remind You that you are full of endless possibilities waiting to be expressed. You Can Do It, Be It, Create It!! I truly do Believe in You but none of this matters if YOU Do Not Believe in You Too! Whatever your dreams…GO FOR IT!!”~ With Love from my Heart to Yours, Twin Spirit #iBelieveInYOU

www.iAmTwinSpirit.com 

Random Musings: Bruised But Not Broken

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I understand transition. I understand change. I understand non-permanence. I grasp the concept of ebb & flow. I know that all connections are in a constant state of flux.

Even with all of this understanding I still have a hard time when someone that I care about fades away or disappears. It’s not the actual fading that gets me it is the silence associated with the fading or disappearing act that hurts me most. It results in feelings of being unappreciated, used, and disposable. If I have known the person beyond a few months to a few years it can be even more traumatic. When someone I like, trust, love, or care for & who I believe cares for me, disengages & disappears from contact without any explanation at all it feels like a very deep deception.

One of the most insidious aspects of silent fading & disappearing is that it doesn’t just cause you to question the validity of the relationship or connection you had, it causes you to question yourself.

Why don’t people communicate openly more? If your feelings, path, plans, desires, motivations, attraction, thoughts, or point of focus have changed and you wish to move in a different direction I think it is the kind & mature thing to do to communicate said changes. Even if that conversation will be a little uncomfortable. Mind you, you don’t have to go into full detail but a simple “I need some time to myself” or “I am going to focus on xyz right now” etc. would suffice.

Silent fading & Disappearing is the ultimate use of the silent treatment, a tactic that has often been viewed by mental health professionals as a form of emotional cruelty. It essentially renders you powerless and leaves you with no opportunity to ask questions or be provided with information that would help you emotionally process the experience. It silences you and prevents you from expressing your emotions and being heard, which is important for maintaining your self-esteem.

Regardless of the Faders or Disappearers intent, this behavior is a passive-aggressive interpersonal tactic that can leave psychological bruises and scars.

I have to soothe myself and remember that when someone employs these tactics, it says nothing about me or my worthiness but speaks volumes about the person doing it. It shows he/she doesn’t have the courage to deal with the discomfort of their emotions or yours, and they either don’t understand the impact of their behavior or worse don’t care. In any case they have sent you an extremely loud message that says: I don’t have what it takes to have a mature healthy relationship with you. I then choose to be a mature person, retain my dignity, and let him/her go peacefully.

But I would be a liar if I said it doesn’t sting me a little whenever it happens.

Ah well…thus is life. I shall continue to be Authentically & Unapologetically Me. I shall keep Living and Loving freely knowing that not everyone will value what I bring to table but I will never turn down my capacity to connect and feel deeply out of fear.

I Shall Continue to Let My LIGHT Shine
~ Twin Spirit #BruisedButNotBroken

Random Musings: Ode to the Queendom 2017

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ODE TO THE QUEENDOM 2017!! I love all of my sisters in every shape, size, color, & walk of life. Everyone of YOU!! Your feminine energy is magical and powerful. We are all beautiful reflections of Yin energy manifested. I wish for you what I wish for myself: Wholeness that blooms from the inside, Freedom to live the Life your Spirit craves, Acceptance of the Gifts you possess, Acknowledgement of the Value you bring, Realization that the Magic we possess is a Real thing not just a catch phrase, Honoring the Heart of You.

The releasing of any limiting ways of thinking & being, Letting go of the notion that Love comes from anywhere but within Us and is in infinite supply, Embracing the Divine Power & Beauty of your Sexuality is life changing as you realize your sexual energy is key to your creative energy, Understanding that your ability to Emote & Feel Deeply is a Super Power.

Understanding that Your Worth is not tied to and never was determined by who does or does not love, want, support, or accept you nor is it determined by the thickness of your waist, the fullness of your breast, the wetness of your vagina, the texture of your hair, the shade of your skin, or the roundness of your behind. Knowing your physical beauty doesn’t even begin to compare to the majesty & depth of the inner beauty of your heart, mind, & soul. Standing firm in the Knowledge that You, every single part of you, belongs ONLY to You and you my dear are Amazing.

Releasing of jealousy & insecurity because they are illusions based in fear and a lack mindset. We are not in competition one with the other but billions of brilliant bright rays of light reflecting various incarnations of God energy expressing itself fully, Each uniquely unfolding and revealing vast power & unlimited possibilities.

I wish for you inner peace, courage to design the life of your dreams, the gift of self care, comfort in moments of uncertainty, the power to hold on & the innate wisdom and strength needed to know when it’s time to let go. I wish you boldness, clarity, prosperity, vision, laughter, passion, freedom, & joy that resonates from places deep within you. The path is yours to choose & the picture yours to paint. There is no “RIGHT” way only the way that works for YOU!!

You are a Woman, a Goddess, & a Warrior. An Alchemist, teacher, healer, master manifestor, creator extraordinaire, a weaver of dreams, and giver of life. A seer, a deep thinker, intuitive being, the glue that binds generation to generation and dimension to dimension. There is nothing weak about you and you need NO ONES permission to Shine & Glow …because you already DO. Illuminated by the divine eternal flame. The original Spark. All that we are is energy, and that energy has no boundaries. It is infinite, it is the invisible force that permeates all space, and it is the force that connects all things because it is all things. Everything in the universe is connected by this energy. You are this energy. Goddess…God Is You The power to change your life and the world resides in YOU 🙂

Words by & Shared with the deepest of Love & Respect direct from the heart of Me ~ Your Sistar Twin Spirit

www.MyBeautifulUglyWorld.wordpress.com
©2017 Beautiful Ugly Publishing

Random Musings: I Am Not My Skin

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This was on my heart today and I felt compelled to share: It may trigger some and perhaps inspire others but it is my TRUTH!

My Human experience is not limited to or defined by the color of my skin. As gloriously beautiful as my sun kissed melanin rich brown skin may be it alone does not inherently decide my path.

My exquisite brown skin, while divinely designed, determines not my Value, my Character, my Future, my Creativity, my Intelligence, my Beauty, my Strength, my Ability, my Courage, my Contribution, the expansiveness of my Spirit, the depth of my Love, nor the Capacity of my Mind to manifest. It is not the sum total of My Worth! To think otherwise diminishes the potentiality of the Powerful(l) spirit that is Me.

While those things may be influenced by the multitude of circumstances and experiences that I have been exposed to, many beyond the scope of my control, and may shape my journey; they have absolutely NO POWER to decide my ultimate fate. That decision and choice resides only with ME!

I will not perpetuate a spirit of hate or fear, nor support instilling a complex of inferiority or victim mindset. I will not villainize or condemn all of the other beautiful shades of the rainbow due to the crimes against humanity inflicted by some beings colored in that shade.

Nor do I subscribe to inspiring an over inflated stance of superiority or sense of entitlement based on skin tone into the hearts and minds of those whose skin in painted a brilliant shade of brown or any other shade for that matter.

Yes You Matter, and You Matter, & You Matter simply because you “ARE” & you “EXIST”, because you woke up this morning and YOU ARE HERE!! Because you are a Divine Being finding your way through this Human Experience ….Not because of your color, your system of belief, your race, your religion, your sexuality, your economic class, your education, your size, your history, your culture, your relationship status, how you live, how you love, what you eat, how you speak, where you were born, your challenges, your maltreatment, your triumphs, successes, or failures…but for no other reason than You being YOU!!!

I will NEVER give my POWER to BE Any and Everything that I dream and desire over to some preconceived notion or stereotype of who I Am or ought to be. Nobody that has come, is here now, or will ever Be gets to determine my Journey but the GOD in ME!

Outside factors may provide a palette of colorful experience but I and I alone get to paint my world and I choose to paint mine POWERFULLY BEAUTIFUL while proudly donning skin in a Beautiful shade of Chocolate Brown!!

Shared with nothing but Love from the Heart, Mind, Body, & Soul of the Spiritual Being living this life journey as Twin Spirit #UnapologeticallyLovingMe #Free

Random Musings: Partnership vs Ownership

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REPOST:

My previous position on how to be happy in a relationship can be summed up as “Don’t expect anything of anyone.”

Now I think my advice is, “Don’t expect everything of anyone.”

I believe the divorce rate, and even higher rates of dissatisfaction and sexual dysfunction in marriage, result directly from unreasonable expectations of marriage.

My ex-husband was absolutely my best friend. He was an excellent best friend too. Best friendship was absolutely not enough to keep me married to him.

I now know that I left him for two main reasons. At the time, I thought I was leaving him because he wouldn’t get a full-time job or help out around the house as much as I did. After four years of him working part-time and leaving the majority of domestic work to me, I became convinced of two things. He would never work as hard as I did, and I would never be okay with that.

I remember screaming at my husband about paid work and housework and him crying in response. I’ve never felt like more of a piece of shit than reducing a grown man I’m supposed to build up to tears by telling him all the ways in which he wasn’t good enough.

When I left him, the only thing that made breaking my best friend’s heart was the absolute certainty that being alone would be better for him than being with someone who constantly demanded more from him than he was willing to give. I knew that if I couldn’t love him as he was I had to let him go.

I’ve spent the past five years asking myself whether I could have made our marriage work. Of course I can never know. But there is one thing I’ve learned that will make my next marriage, should anyone else be foolish enough to marry me, completely different from my first.

I now think of a marriage as a business partnership.

I’m not saying that’s how everyone thinks about it or should think about it. Marriage is a complicated word with myriad meanings and connotations. It’s a legal contract, a religious rite, and a set of social expectations. Just the legal definition alone is complicated, as the fight over gay marriage revealed. Marriage impacts literally thousands of laws and taxes, not to mention private privileges like health insurance, adoption, and hospital visitation.

But let’s simplify for the sake of argument. I want to discuss marriage the legal contract.

The main purpose of a legal contract binding two people together “for life” is to facilitate their sharing ownership of assets and children. Erecting a barrier to exit in the form of divorce then makes it easier for the state to divide assets and access to and responsibility for children equitably.

If I get married again, it will be because I want to share assets (and maybe children) and I want to erect a barrier to exit.

I realize this sounds unromantic. Because it fucking is.

It sounds unromantic because we’re taught to expect our spouse to provide everything to us.

Of course they’re supposed to share assets and maybe children with us. But they’re also supposed to be our best friend for life, which entails its own set of crazy-high expectations. Besides your spouse, how many best friends have you had in your life?

Probably more than one, maybe even concurrently! That’s because people grow and change and grow together and drift apart and meet different needs at different times. Somehow saying “I do” doesn’t change a damn thing about that reality, but we expect it to.

But that’s not all! While concurrently equally running the business that is a household and being our best friend for life our spouse is also supposed to be our one-stop-shop for sexual excitement and intimate fulfillment. And if you can’t get it up for the person you just argued with about how much to put toward your 401k and watched get the stomach flu then you’re a failure of a human being!

“I believe we’ve been acculturated to expect some types of commitment to each other’s needs in a ‘primary’ relationship.” Not just some types of commitment but total commitment, and to all of each other’s needs. Marriage, to most people, means you expect one other person to meet all your practical, emotional, and sexual needs, both now and forever.

I may be unromantic, but you all are fucking insane.

The height of your expectations is directly proportional to how disappointed you’re going to feel.

So to save marriage, we have to come into it with reasonable expectations.

You absolutely must lean on your friends for emotional intimacy. The way the culture devalues friendships and puts sexual relationships on a pedestal is wrecking our marriages. Your spouse cannot and should not be your everything. You must have a best friend or three that you’re not married to. I wish I’d known how lonely I was in my marriage. I had a best friend, and I thought that was all I needed.

You absolutely must rely on outside sources for sexual excitement. I’m not even pushing poly here, because it’s a hell of a time suck. I mean read erotica, try new toys, role play, and watch porn.

At the end of the day, there’s only one part of marriage that is fundamental. Which doesn’t mean it can’t be outsourced, but it does mean that if you’re going to outsource it you really might as well divorce. And that’s the business partner part. The person who owns the assets with you really should be the one who helps you manage them.

You don’t own your partner’s heart. You don’t own your partner’s genitals. Sure, they let you use them sometimes. But never, ever, mistake your partner for anything other than a full and complete person who owns themselves and their parts. What you do own jointly is your assets. And so for that reason you two need to work together on how to manage them.

The reason I think divorce was inevitable for me is that we weren’t good business partners.

He and I could not come to an agreement on where, financially and geographically, we were headed in life. Nevermind how to get there. I wanted to move out of Birmingham, Alabama and live in a nice condo in a walkable part of a southern city. This required that both of us work full-time. He wanted to live in a less desirable location and work less.

Being friends and lovers with your spouse is, of course, a good thing if you can manage it. And a good business partnership requires a certain level of honesty, closeness, and positive regard.

But what you need to get go of is the expectation that your spouse will always and forever be your closest friend and your only source of sexual excitement.

When you stop expecting your partner to be anything other than a good business partner, you free both of you from fear. They no longer do things for you like be a good friend or lover because they’re afraid of disappointing you. There’s nothing less motivating than an expectation. People are the best at being friends and lovers when they feel appreciated. They are worst when they feel like no matter how hard they try they’ll only meet expectations.

Letting go of those expectations means other friends, and even other lovers, won’t change the bedrock of your family. It means a new friend or crush no longer sends fear signals to your brain. Instead, you can enjoy their enjoyment of other people knowing that your role as business partner is secure.

It means they can have other favorites and you’re still going to be co-founders because your relationship isn’t built on feelings and lies about what love means. Viewing your spouse as a co-founder means your relationship is built on hard work toward a mutual goal.

Sometimes people divorce when they realize their spouse isn’t a good business partner. Maybe positive regard declines or a difference in vision becomes apparent.

But too often, people divorce because:

1. They can’t meet all their spouse’s expectations

2. They’re not getting their own expectations met

3. They don’t realize it’s not the person, it’s the expectations themselves that are the problem

 

People know they’re not getting all their needs met and they don’t know which ones are reasonable and which aren’t.

What I want if I get married again is a shared set of reasonable expectations. I want a partner who shares with me a vision for where our little company is going and how to get there. I want someone who is strong enough to look around and feel confident that they can get everything else they need elsewhere, should they need to. I want someone who takes responsibility for their own needs instead of expecting me to be everything to them. In other words, I want a good co-founder.

This view of marriage is both narrow and expansive. It’s narrow in that while there are many, many people I might want to have sex and be friends with, there are very few people who share my goals and vision for achieving them closely enough that I should go into business with them. But it’s expansive in that when you realize what marriage is for, anyone is up for it demographically. That means gay, straight, intergenerational, and plural marriages are all perfectly acceptable ways to divide and conquer.

As for me, I’m in a weird place. While my ideas about marriage may not be romantic, I still like marriage. I love efficiency, and marriage offers plenty, in the forms of division of labor, specialization, and economies of scale. But my goals are ever-changing. And not one of them requires a life partner to achieve.

As to whether I’d be a good wife this time around, I’ll tell you this. I’m not going to take responsibility for your emotional needs. I’m not going to promise to provide you endless sexual excitement. I refuse to be held responsible for what happens in your head. But to someone whose goals and vision aligned with mine, who expects me to work hard, be ethical, be transparent, and maintain positive regard if you do the same, I’d make a hell of a wife.

By: Cathy Reisenwitz

Original Article Link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cathy-reisenwitz/make-your-spouse-your-co-founder-not-your-best-friend_b_9060360.html