I have always been a hold on’er, never give up’er, keep trying kinda girl.
I push forward, keep smiling, and keep believing in most all circumstances in my life.
I understand, can usually see all sides of a situation clearly, and get why most people do what they do and say what they say.
I maintain friendships during rough times and keep on loving even at times when it is clear that the love and even simple concern is not being reciprocated.
I am here writing today because I honestly wanted to evaluate WHY????
Why do I feel it is necessary to hang on…
to keep believing…
to keep understanding…
to keep forgiving…
to keep loving…
to keep supporting…
to keep listening…
to keep comforting…
to keep opening my heart and soul..
to keep people in my life who show me via their words and even more so their actions
that they truly DON’T CARE about me at all.
Do I feel this makes me righteous?
Is this my deeply embedded christian indoctrination of turning the other cheek?
Do I feel that being a martyr, all the while wearing a smile, somehow makes me a strong woman of character?
What is it that motivates me to Hang in There when the Going Gets Tough??…and it’s been Hella Tough at times in my Life.
Why do I fight so hard for love & friendship especially when the other parties involved seem to be okay with letting things fade away.
Tonight I accept that I DO NOT KNOW Why I allow myself to suffer needlessly for connections that are obviously more important to me than they are to others.
So TODAY I give myself permission to GIVE UP!!!!
To no longer cling tightly when others are letting go.
To no longer subject my heart to overgiving when, via their actions, others are saying they are no longer interested in receiving
or even more correctly stated they have no concern for me the giver and are only interested in the gift.
I give myself permission to sever all relationships that are stagnant and draining..and not for lack of my trying to resuscitate them and breath life back into the cold lifeless form of what used to be a thriving connection.
I give myself permission to let go and not feel guilty for it.
To move on and not condemn myself for not trying hard enough to understand or make it work.
I release myself from the need to stick it out especially when I am receiving more pain than pleasure from the connection.
I free myself from the barrage of WHYS and self scrutiny…when people who say they love me and/or are my friend just ball me up and throw our connection in the trash like unwanted garbage, and walk away without even a word or a goodbye when they decide you are no longer needed.
I release myself from the feeling that somehow in someway I am yet again not Good Enough to motivate someone to stay or to care.
I free myself from the LIE that it is my responsibility to make other people Happy.
I give myself permission to be allowed to be the one who is Pissed Off & Fed Up…the who who storms off, walks away, throws in the towel, who says Fuck It..I’m Out.
I FREE Myself from the ties that bind me to connections that are not mutually nurturing and mutually respectful.
I am no longer obligated to be STRONG for everyone that is weak.
I give myself permission to break down, let the tears flow, let the pain out and To remove fake pasted on smiles when I am truly hurting.
I no longer require ME to be the strong silent rescuer or the forever understanding listener to those who show me that they DO NOT CARE FOR ME via their words and mostly their actions.
I have finally learned that “LOVING YOU” does not mean “SACRIFICING ME”.
I shall always be a Being of love but for some connections it shall now be from a distance.
Starting TODAY I am going to LOVE ME 1st & MOST 🙂
Shared with Love & a greater understanding,